...continued
from page 1
When you get married you are probably looking more for a
partner than for in-laws. The idea of in-laws may even be intimidating.
You've probably heard stories of the interfering mother-in-law.
Or perhaps you've heard about spouses who couldn't let go of
the apron strings and commit to the relationship.
These are many of the same worries prospective adoptive
parents have with open adoption. They worry that the child
will be confused about who his parents are, or play one set
of parents against the other. They worry about losing their
privacy if the birth parents call or visit. They worry that
the birth parents won't be able to let go of the child -
that they will want the child back. They worry that they
will be constantly competing with the birth parents for their
child's love.
Every adoptive parent, whether in a confidential adoption
or an open adoption, fears someday losing their child physically
or emotionally to the birth parents. They fear that if they
are measured against the birth parents, they might be found
inadequate. Confidential adoptions were begun to protect
birth parents and adoptees from society's attitudes. But
by suggesting that adoptive families need protection from
the birth parents, the adoption system has implied that only
if this barrier exists can adoptive families feel secure
and be a real family.
Accepting open adoption requires that prospective adoptive
parents first face the basic fears that all adoptive parents
have, but are able to bury if the adoption is to be confidential.
This can be accomplished through pre-adopt education classes
(provided through adoption agencies, conferences, or independent
educators), books and tapes, and through personal contact
with birth and adoptive parents - especially those in open
adoptions. Once those fears have been addressed, the risks
that open adoption presents are similar to those in any relationship.
And the skills that can be used to address those risks are
skills that many of us already are using in relationships
or can acquire with a little assistance.
 However, comfort with open adoption really develops when
the concept is no longer an abstract idea but a relationship
with real people - when adoptive parents meet the right birth
parents. The commitment becomes even greater when the child
grows up and the adoptive parents see that the love between
the adoptive parents and the child is strong and is not threatened
by the birth parents' presence.
Lois Melina, author of the highly
regarded books, Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of
Adoption,
has published Adopted
Child newsletter since 1981. Melina’s newsletter has gained
an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive
parents. |
